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What I am Thankful For

Yes, it's time to reflect and see what we're thankful for. We look back over the past year, or years, and concentrate on the things that have come to pass to bring us joy.

Well I submit that this year I want to focus on what has not brought me joy. As pessimistic as it may sound, I want to proclaim what I am not thankful for. Of course your intrigued...

I'm not thankful to the people that have wronged me. They may or may not have done these things on purpose, but I'm not thankful that they did them.

I'm not thankful of the years that I've wasted on fruitless adventures that resulted in my demise.

I'm not thankful of the decisions I've made since the time that I knew that I could make them.

And I am not thankful that I have so many things that I am not thankful for.

BUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am thankful that I've had the experience. Of all the failures, decisions, adventures and people that I've come across, they have helped me be what I am today. I'm sure that it may seem that I am bitter, but I'm not. In fact...I'm proud.

If the people, places and things in my life had not taken place when, where and for the reason that they did...I may not be me. And to be honest...I like me. If I knew I could save fears and tears over the years without those things that I'm not thankful for, then I believe that I'd put myself through it all to be where I am at.

So... My Thanksgiving statement is this...

I am thankful for my life. I am thankful of the life that I helped to create. And I am thankful of the life experience that I've been given to help others who feel that they truly have nothing to be thankful for.

Peace! And Happy Thanksgiving!

A new day

Providing the stars are aligned to permit, I will start a new day tomorrow. I know that sounds lame, and maybe it is, but I have a plan tomorrow.

My plan is to get up, SSS (Shit, Shower and Shave..I know TMI), and go buy a brand new car. Sure plenty of people go and do this every day. But it means so much more to me than what I think it may mean to others. You see, I have never, ever purchased a brand new car. I bought one about 13 years ago that had 13,000 miles on it, so it was new, and a big deal...but this is bigger. It's not the miles that are making the difference, it's more the circumstances. The first time I was 3 years into my 1st marriage and knew that I needed a good car for the growing family. Now it's different.

I am debt free. As of this hour. But I have worked 20 years to get this way. Now I am about to back into dedt, but it seems so much sweeter now than before. This time there is a meaning to the madness.

Other than being a future proud owner, I have to face up to the promise that I made to myself, and to a few others that one thing that will have to take place for me to go back to the dating scene is that I need a new car. Doesn't neccasarily have to be new to apply, but it will be. I'm not trying to be too materialisitc, but if you knew what I was driving now, you'd understand why I can't roll up in the POS that I have now to pick up a date.

However, there is a certain amount of fear that comes up now. This means that I have to stop using my lack of a decent mode of transportation as an exscuse to avoid dating again. I want to date, and I even want to eventually be in a relationship again, but just like my fears of meeting the pricey payments that I soon face, I also will be facing the fear of dating.

Like a well used car, I have been down many roads. There were times that I got better mileage than others, but the road taken was probably a road well traveled. I've timed the distance between redlights, I've considered the yeilds, I've tested the brakes, and I've felt the wear of the tread.

My new goal is to buy the car, at great cost, take the risk, test the new roads, feel the curves, and hope that in the end, I made a good purchase, I've gotten my money's worth, and hope that I am not totaled out before I've made the final payment.

Wish me luck!

What I would say if I could!

Have you ever had those times where you have a great revelation of what you'd do or say if you were able to? I have that from time to time. I hope this post doesn't come across as me being bitter, because in reality...I'm not.

So I have this weird dream last night. Without going into detail, I'll just say it invloves my ex-wife (which one is not the issue). I happen upon her at a friends house, and everything that I have envisioned saying to her for years comes out in an all out freak fest in the bathroom. This was very indicative of our relationship so this was not a shock, but it got me to thinking.

What would really..REALLY happen. Every time I've visited this thought I get so many emotions going that I'm not real sure what I really would do.

Would I play it cool and say, "Hey how have you been...how's the kids.Blah, Blah, Blah"

or would I say, "You know I have to say that I am glad things turned out as they did because some of the most important life lessons that I have learned have come from what we went thru."

or would I say, "I'm sorry that the fate's did not allow two people with good intentions to be able to stay together because we were so different."

or would I say, "Could it be that we've come across each other again to be given a second chance at us?"

or would I say, "How could you see me go thru what I did and not stop me. Even if you only loved me for your own selfish reasons so it temporarily satisfied your needs and wants, the least you could have done is wake me up before it was too late to see what I had become."

or would I say, "I want you to know that you took the part of me that most women would love to have in their life, and broke it down to rubble so that no woman could ever see that good side of me, and in turn have cursed my ability to fully love and be loved again."

or would I say, "There are plenty of things that I have wanted to say to you over the years, but none of that matters anymore. I will take what I have learned tarry on, only hoping to find what I thought we once had. I only wish you well, and hope that you may be so lucky as to find that perfect person to bring out the best in you. Our disfunction may have only existed to show us what is functional. Every day I dream of being in a place that we could have been, and should have been, but what was meant to happen happened. The part of me that you needed when we were together is the only part that I have left."

"Peace!"

Should I stay or should I go now!

Well, not much been going on lately other than work. I asked for a raise. It's been two years, and I have more than proved myself to be a good manager. In two years I have saved my company approx. $20,000 + in mistakes, supplies, leasing equipment, etc...

I've gained respect from every salesperson, customer service person, and dozens of the highest profile clients we have. I've tripled the efficiency of our workflow, and have proposed how to triple it again by moving towards a paperless system. I've trained myself and passed that training onto everyone that will listen. I've even played a private and silent role in improving workflow and efficiency in other departments.

So what's my odds of getting any more than a $1.00 an hour raise. Practically none! It appears that I am not that far from being topped out for my position in my company. And here's what really sucks. When I first started, I left a job that paid only .75 cents less an hour than what I am making now. That was five years ago. So (doing the math) I am only up .75 cents in 5 years. That sucks. Especially considering that I was in line to make $2.00 more per hour where I was had there not been the falling out. <<< That's for another post.

I've been in the same field of work for almost 10 years now so I consider it my career. Truth is, I want to stay in this career, but there is not alot of turn around (employee wise). These positions are hard to come across. However after realizing that I may soon be "topped out", I've been doing some thinking. What I like just as much as what I actually do (job duties) is management. I love the challenge. The ability to take the train wreck that lies ahead of me and rebuild it to be a little engine that can. While I don't like is being given a screwdriver to rebuild an engine (metaphorically speaking), I like convincing others to buy me more tools to work with.

So, I have considered updating the ole' dusty resume and focusing more on the leadership abilites and trying to make a new career. As long as I have stuck with this, it would be quite a change to find myself managing or supervising in another industry, but I can still do (some) of what I do on the side if I wanted for a few extra buckaroos.

I'd sell my body to women, but that would be like retiring with no income.

What would you do in my position?????

Peace!

New Blog Site!

A new friend inspired me (in a round about way) to create a new blog. Even though my main blog site doesn't get as many hits as what I'd like, it is mostly my fault because I do not post often enough. So I figure I may as well separate the mundane posts that I usually make with a poetry blog.

It's so spankin new I only have one post, but by the weekend I'll have a few more. Some may look familar, but some will be new (at least to you).

Stop by next week!

Peace!

Old Friends!

I recently have come back in touch with some old friends from college. We've met up through the years (not often enough) but it has been around 5 or 6 years since the last Pow Wow. I'm looking forward to hanging out with them again, if only for a weekend.

College was such a big part of my life because I studied and learned so much. Not in school, but in Life. I've often wondered what I would be like if I had not attended that school at that time. What would be different? Would I have learned as much? Could I have gone farther from having a better education than what I had (which wasn't much)?

I realize that schoolastically, I could have excelled in some other area, but honestly...what I learned in those years cannot be replaced by book knowledge. My mis-spellings in this post may be proof of that. I mis-spell because I may not have the smarts to spell correctly. I don't really give a crap because of the years that I spent learning what really matters.

I learned that while the sterotypes of my earlier school years carried on to college years, there was so much more to life than that (thank God)! I was fortunate enough to have learned that everyone brings something to the table, however great or small, that can be processed and carried along for times when it was needed.

For example, I cannot tell you how many times that those short years have crossed my mind, eased my mind, and put things into perspective in my mind.

I won't lie. I miss college. I miss those friends, and I miss those experiences. But just as much as that I can't wait to see what's around the bend. If those years, those times, and those friends taught me nothing more, it was that life is about recognizing that your not alone, you can find the greatest treasures from what some see as trash, and you can take what you have learned and build upon it a philosophy that can last a lifetime.

As my hippier friends from those years would say..."Peace, Love, and promote the use of condoms!"