When can you tell that you are part of the machine?

Not that I want to be. But at times...I feel I am. All I really want is to be able to have a good job that pays half way decent and a career that I could feel proud of. I think I have that, but am I becoming everything that I used to hate? Or am I (again) being the typical Libra and seeing another side of the story. Maybe I am understanding things better now.

Perhaps there is a balance that exists between working for the machine and being a part of the machine. Um...I'll get back to ya when I figure that out!.

To love, or not to love. That is the question.

You know, sometimes I wonder if I am supposed to be something else. OK...maybe not be something else, but maybe someone different. No, Im not getting all metaphysical, but I get the feeling sometimes that I am not doing what I am supposed to do.

I'm single (or divorced depending on how you look at it), and quite honestly, I love where I'm at right now. My job is a career. Something I have always wanted, and now have. I take it seriouslly, but I can still sleep at night. I have many friends, mostly from work, but outside of the workplace environment I don't really "Go Out" anymore.

I have not dated in almost 3 years. Being 36, this may seem strange, but after my last relationship I wanted to focus on the things that I did not get a chance to focus on in my second (yes, I said second) marriage.

I've focused, and seen clear what I strived to see. Quite proud of in fact! I've come a long way baby. But here's what bothers me. It seems that family and friends are (in their own loving and seemingly inconspicuous way) trying to get me to "Go Out" more or explore the possibility that I need to start dating again. It's not that I don't want to..but I question wether I really need to at this point. Right now, I have a goal. It's to continue to be debt free (which took me 20 years to get), to continue to better myself by educating myself in things that I used to turn my nose up to, and to further my career. Do I really "Need" to start dating?

One of my many hundreds of favorite Pink Floyd songs says..." Was it love, or the idea of being in love? ". I used to profess both, but I think in retrospect that it may have been more of ... the idea. Sure I have been deeply, madly in love before. But the idea is what drove most of that love.

I suppose my most famous reasoning is that I want to wait until I can get a new, or newer car, and not be driving the POS that I have. Somehow, getting that is supposed to give me the open doors of opportunity and help complete the circle that I am told I need to complete.

So...I played a lotto ticket this weekend. $118,000,000.00. It makes me wonder. What if I won. Yah, Yah, Yah, my family would be set...at least for their lives, and I'd start or help a charity.Blah. Blah. Blah. But I really don't feel that money would be my inspiration to try to love again. So what is it going to take? Am I missing something? I'll be glad to explain myself to anyone who wants to listen, but I want to know why I am more inspired to continue on my learning spree than I am to find love again? Does it matter?

Hit me back!

I have a thinking problem!

Not a drinking problem, a thinking problem. Or at least I think so. Darn-it-all! There I go again. You see...I am a Libra (as stated in my bio) which sucks because I like being able to see balance. And when I don't...well...things are quite clearly un-balanced. It bothers me most that others can't see what I see (that the scales are tipped). That's an insult to my sign. It doesn't prove to me that I am special; it proves to me that others aren't.

It's like this...most people go throughout the day not realizing the lessons that are constantly being taught by human nature. They miss the subtle hints. The ones that are actually screaming out and saying, "I am here to teach you!"...They get silenced.

Doubt and apprehension are funny things. They...well...their negative!. Well, negative doesn't exist without positive, which doesn't exist without balance.

What makes others think? Is it doubt? Apprehension? or curiosity?

Perhaps it's all of the above. The greatest of all sins is......silence!

The South Park debate!

Big News! "Chef" (Isaac Hayes) has quit from the South Park cartoon, siting that he was offended from the shows diregard to his releigion. I am a huge SP fan, and I have to say it. If someone that has worked with the show for 10 years doesn't get that this cartoon is created with the intent of making us all realize how serious we take ourselves and our beliefs, what more will it take. The cartoon is a cartoon. In this country, we have a right to say, and think what we want. I also have the right to choose to not watch the show if it offends me. It never will. But for those of you that over the years it has offended. Lighten up! They made fun of you or what you beleive because of how seriouslly you take it and how stupid you can look when you try to defend it. So...that's what I think about it!